Russian Gym

This afternoon in search of detoxification, renewal, and relaxation, I decided to go to the Russian banya here in San Diego. Russian banya is a fantastic experience that I highly recommend anyone try at least once, but don't do it here in SD. This place was a total dump, and did not offer anything close to a banya experience.

Rather than a banya, it is actually a kettle club, or workout gym that highlights kettle dumbbell exercises. Additionally, they offer swimming classes. The gym has quite a bit of space, a pool, jacuzzi, and gym downstairs. Two weight rooms/auditoriums upstairs. And a magnificent outdoor pool overlooking Mission Bay, Mission Beach, PB, and the Pacific Ocean. Gorgeous view, unfortunately that pool is only half full and out of order. However you can also lift weights outside.

Where is the banya?, you may ask. Well, it doesn't exist. There is a sauna and a steam room in the men's locker room. I presume that there is one in the women's locker room as well. Of course I did not see a single woman, other than the proprietor (a surprisingly friendly Russian), in this place. No surprise there. I was tipped off to the possibility of false advertising when I mentioned vinnic (the branches used to detoxify the body) at the front desk and I got a blank stare. That wasn't because I didn't know what I was talking about, it was because she was surprised that I did know.

Alas, I figured I could use some of the weights and get in a workout. I chose the downstairs weight room, and sifted through weights that were literally covered in centimeters of dust. Multiple shots of Russian weight lifters on the wall. And then a full array of magazines (mostly from the earlier part of the decade) in the corner, including Maxim, Muscle & Fitness, some Russian exercise magazines, Playboy, Gallery, and Club International. You read that right. This went way farther than the Penthouse selection in Tim Watley's waiting room.

Once I finished up in the weight room, I went back to my original purpose, getting some heat. The dry sauna was not very hot, and had no water to pour over the coals. As I sat inside, I looked into the locker room and watched an older man unload a spray canister into the sink. I wondered if he was a janitor of some kind, then realized, this place obviously does not employ a janitor.

Disappointed by the sauna, I went to the steam room, which greeted me with the putrid pungence of mold. I couldn't actually see any mold because the steam was so thick I could barely see six inches in front of my face. Unlike the sauna, the steam room was stifling. I hung in there for three sittings, alternating between there and a cold shower. Having had enough, I went back to the locker room and to wash my hands. I looked into the sink that presumably had been cleaned and discovered an positively enormous cockroach struggling to maintain life after being doused with what was either rust cleaner or metallic spray paint. Fortunately, there was another sink.

Relieved to get outside, I saw a deli next door. I really wanted a prosciutto and basil sandwich, but I've not been able to find a place in San Diego that offers that. Instead I chose a chicken pesto sandwich for takeout. I got home and began to eat, then discovered the mayonnaise on the sandwich. Once again, they put mayonnaise on everything out here, it's worse than Europe. What kind of asshole mixes mayonnaise with pesto? Oh well, what can you do. Time for a vigorous shower.