I Need A New Reed

The other day I wrote about how a new reed improved my tone on the saxophone like night into day. This was exhilarating. For months I had been so frustrated to play and sound decent, but always feeling miles away from where I want to be and lightyears away from I used to be.

Today was an extremely frustrating day. I sold 5 sets today in five presentations. On three occasions, I made presentations where no one bought a single set. This doesn't feel good. Then when you think that you've spent 6 hours exerting all this energy to make $22, and you have no idea how you can buy Christmas presents for everyone you care about, to the point where you don't ever want to go home again out of shame, it's a rough day. There were plenty of other disturbances of course, all part of the continual broadside, all access beating that I signed myself up for. Then, when you look for light, you get shut down by a voice that seems only to ascend higher and higher without you near. I really do feel useless. Afraid.

The other day I found an astanga yoga class at a studio in Ocean Beach. I had planned to go and looked forward to it all day. By the time I arrived I was seething, and desperate. The class was very challenging, I saw a few poses I had never seen and didn't think were possible. But I was welcomed, and though I couldn't keep my breathing together or clear my mind, I kept at it. At a few different points, I pleasantly surprised myself. More importantly, I never wanted to give in, which is a feeling I often had in classes back East.

As I sat in shyvasana, my mind began to drift through all the shit I've been feeling. Then my mind landed on the image of that reed. That one exchange made all of my work and experience come to fruition, after months of banging my head against the wall. So now I know that in my life I need a new reed. I have been working hard, exploring every avenue, working to better myself, strengthen, and broaden my horizons. I need a new reed to make it all better. I don't know what my old reed was, or my current one, or what the new one will be, but I need it. And I am going to find it.