Fuerza

Today was a challenge. Without question. Started off optimistic, and remain optimistic, but just about all that transpired in between sought to rob me of optimism. There's no great scheme against me, there's no great force, just a bunch of shit that piled up today and made it, well, memorable.

For the second day in a row, I went down to a hotel that I had a lead on only to find out that there were no open positions. At the one today, there was a drop box for applications waiting to be reviewed. The previous submission came back in September and was still awaiting perusal. Thought I'd return an AC charger for a bit of extra cash but pressing legal matters closed that window pretty quickly.

But before I could get home, I had to stop by to meet my colleague who had been denied work today because our boss had been caught in a traffic jam and did not set up the booth. That's a great thing when you're on salary, it's really a kick in the balls when you're on commission. So, with a quick handoff of produce in a mall parking lot, I went home to produce an affidavit. Unfortunately, the printer my friend loaned me refused to cooperate, so that was a boondoggle. A quick set of pushups, a handful of trail mix, and I'm out the door for the 40 minute ride to my station for the day's live infomercial.

When I arrived, the booth was still languishing. Our new manager was setting it up, and not all that interested in pleasantries. I set about getting ready, remaining in a positive frame of mind. Earlier in the day, I had thoughts of selling an unprecedented number of sets, and I channeled that goal as I alternately set up and stayed out of the way. My manager was clearly anxious about getting some product moved, certainly frustrated about already losing half a day, and I'm certain pretty annoyed after sitting in hours of south LA gridlock. He pressed me to do a show, which was fine with me, except he was still standing on top of the booth trying to adjust the lights. And answering every single phone call he got coming in...

I did the first show. The results were poor. I hadn't even been given access to the booth or to our back stock, which I need to have an accurate count on in order to hand in my numbers. Any discrepancies can cost me money. And since I only made $316 for my first week of official work, I didn't want to worry about any possible discrepancies. Our lights still weren't working, so I told my manager about and there he was, back up on top of the booth. I suggested that I could go count our stock while he fixed the lights. He asked why. I explained why, and the next thing I know I'm getting criticized and belittled out of nowhere. In an attempt to diffuse this, I physically stepped back and changed my body language to convey that I was in no way trying to be combative. This attempt was lost on him. So the tirade continued and, with my words proving absolutely futile, I closed my mouth, looked away, and waited for him to finish. Did I mention that I had only met this guy 40 minutes before? After being denied the right to go count, I left to go get some water and read my script.

It had taken just about all of my patience not to turn around and tell this guy where to go. I could easily have ripped him apart, and in years past, I would have done this without hesitation. But, with one hundred dollars of receipts outstanding, and feeling my world avalanche down on me, I held back. I spent the rest of the day showing a shit eating grin and offered a nice laid back, 'yeah, let's do this, wow! that's helpful, thank you!' attitude. I was not obnoxious. I had no idea how I got into an antagonistic discussion with this guy in the first place, so I wasn't going to risk any kind of sincerity. I played the role he wanted, I am dumb. I know nothing. I am grateful to you for knowing everything and helping me to achieve more today. You want to talk about acting, that was some of the most challenging acting I've ever done.

Finally, hours and hours later, I got a minute to myself and call my mother. She's the one person I had on my mind and the reason why I didn't let any of this other crap bother me too much today. But once I did get to talk to her, I felt absolutely hollow inside for being so far away. Standing outside of an Escondido shopping mall, I felt completely adrift and useless. I wanted to be home, I still do. I don't think I've ever felt farther away.

Back inside to finish up my shows, very few takers. In a strange height of peculiarity, a pregnant woman gave me her phone number (unsolicited). Ostensibly this was so that I could call her to let her know where we'd be demonstrating next week after she received her paycheck. Nevertheless, it felt like something far different, and whether it was or whether it wasn't, this was undeniably sad.

At the end of the night I finally did my count. No surprise, the numbers were very far off. Fortunately my phone had died by this time, so I'd delay that update for a little while.

After that, it was over to FedEx/Kinko's for a reprise of the document delivery. The laid back Southern Cali attitude of the staff was pretty vexing, but one of the ladies who helped me was very polite and friendly, making this humbling errand a bit more manageable.

Now, throughout most of this eventful work shift, one of my colleagues was present in the mall while he and his girlfriend were doing some Christmas shopping. This was both comforting and reassuring. And that's how I found myself at my first Olive Garden, where I met them after FedEx. It was 9:30. We were the only table left in the place. And although I was slightly horrified (Italians don't step foot in The Olive Garden, Mexicans don't go to Taco Bell, and the Chinese don't eat Panda Express), it felt really nice to sit with some cool and understanding new friends out here on the other side of the country. The flatbread pizza (ordered without the Alfredo Sauce) I got wasn't bad either, it was also the first meal I had since I made steel cut oats at 8am this morning. {Quick side note, steel cut oats take forever to cook. They're healthy and taste good enough with the addition of berries, cayenne pepper and honey, but speed it up!}

On the way home I had to report my numbers--to three different people--and then endure a twenty minute discussion on the day with one of them. Then I made stops to drain my bank account further for $40 of produce and about the same amount in gas. This is a typical day with this outfit. Tomorrow I'll be going 40 minutes in the other direction for my presentation. Actually, that's not tomorrow, that's in about 6 hours.

Today I experienced some of the scariest and moments of my life. On top of that, I had to deal with a whole bunch of bullshit, and minor annoyances. But I don't believe for a second this was an awful day. I can't get out of the reality that today brings. On one level, I brought on this reality. And as Sophocles told us, "the greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves." I can't go back. I can't erase anything. I can only control my attitude right now. I can only look forward to making tomorrow better and each day afterward better. And for that understanding, I have to say that this is not a bad day. It is a good day. Not one that I ever want to repeat of course, but hey, what can you do. My parents always told me that I always have to learn things the hard way. But I can't be the only one. Rodney Dangerfield says the exact same thing in Back To School. That's in reference to his son wanting to do his own Astronomy paper...

I love you, Mom. Wish I wasn't so far away right now.